#9 The Cottage Cheese That Doesn't Live in the Fridge

I returned from shopping at the grocery store the other night and after unpacking the bags I sat down at my computer to catch up on unread emails. I came to an email from a friend from grad school and happily opened it. She had recently read my blogs and had some funny comments and memories to share. At the end of her email, she writes,"...if you could only see me now - plopped on the couch with my laptop and a paper plate loaded up with sponge cake and extra chocolate ice cream (you know extra ice cream b/c the sponge cake is very low in calories), oh the tricks of the trade...I am so gullible to my inner self!!! And here with me is the latest copy of The Enquirer. Have you seen the cover this week?- - STARS WITH CELLULITE!!!!"

I sat at my computer with a big grin on my face because as a matter of fact, while in line at the grocery store just that evening, I too had picked up the Enquirer and turned directly to the article about famous people and their cellulite. And do you know what I thought? I thought, these celebrities have every type of doctor, drug, trainer, juicer, vitamin, exercise machine and spa at their disposal. They also have enough money to do whatever is needed to fight the cellulite battle. If they've failed, if they've lost this battle with an arsenal full of the most up to date and modern ammunition, what can us poor [in all definitions of the word] bow and arrow everyday normal gals do? All of a sudden, I sorta, kinda felt good - in a ha, ha way. Isn't that terrible?

Let me tell you about my battle with cellulite. Simply said, I've lost the battle and the war. My problem started about 10 years ago [late 30's]. I noticed this dimpling on the rear of my thighs, especially when I put on a bathing suite. I believed this was related to having kids, sitting at a desk all day and not exercising. I mean, honestly, I had been FAT many times in my life and had never seen these embarrassing dimples before, and now I was relatively thin [can you ever be thin enough?] and here they were. So what's a girl to do? I hired a personal trainer, got up at 6:00 a.m. 3 times a week and lifted weights, lunged, squatted, ran and sweated. After that fun hour I got the kids ready for pre-school, myself ready for work, and out the door we went. After a year of this, I was in better shape, but that "cottage cheese" look hadn't budged. Grrrr.

One day I came home and told my husband that I had heard about endermology and I was going to try it. Endermology is when a roller/vacuum type machine is moved all over your body sucking and massaging to rid your body of cellulite or at least reduce its appearance. Needless to say he thought it was a bunch of bologna and cringed when I told him the price, but if this worked, he too would reap some of the benefit [a wife with smooth thighs]. For ONLY $1200 [once a week for 7 weeks] I was vacuumed and rubbed [not painlessly I might add] for a good 40 minutes. At the end of my 7 sessions, the "endermologist" showed me my before and after photos. Gee, I thought I looked exactly the same, give or take a few new hickey-like bruises from all that sucking.

Anyway, a year or so later I'm taking a yoga class and in walks one of the endermology technicians I had seen at the doctor's office. After class I went over to say hi and catch up. She told me that she was no longer working at that office. That's when I asked her about endermology and if it really worked. Truly, I don't remember exactly what she said to me, but the essence of what she said was that in her couple of years vacuuming and sucking the bellies, legs and buttocks of numerous men and women, she had never seen one successful outcome. Ok, I admit it. My hubby had tried to warn me that this was a scam, but I didn't want to believe him. I wanted to get rid of my cellulite!!

About six months ago, I was at the plastic surgeon's office finishing my series of laser hair removal on my thighs when the doctor asked if I wanted to be part of a study. He said he was asked by one of his vendors to be a test site for a new cellulite removing cream. Oy, I cringed in embarrassment, but that didn't stop me from signing on the dotted line right then and there. Again, out came the camera for the before photos. I was told to use an ice pack for 5 minutes on my right upper thigh and then rub the cream for at least 3 minutes in the cooled area before bedtime. I did this religiously for 2 weeks. Back I went for the after photos. Guess what? Nothing! Nada! My after photos looked just like my before photos. I heard recently that the trial had been discontinued . I wonder why????

To conclude, I haven't put up the white flag yet. I'm still open to the possibility of a cellulite "cure". However, I think perhaps for me, the cure is here. It's called age. It seems the older I get the more I've learned to accept [not happily or quietly my friends and family will attest to] body parts that in my 20s, 30s and even early 40s I bemoaned and worked so hard to change. Don't get me wrong, I still complain about them, but it's more in a woe is me way. I haven't given up my exercise, yoga and dieting, but I've sorta, kinda come to the conclusion that it ain't happening in this lifetime. I console myself with this thought though. At least when I'm at the beach wearing my bikini and I bend over to fix my towel, I don't have photographers hiding in the bushes waiting to snap a photo of my jiggly, wiggly, cottage cheesy butt. I take comfort in that thought.