#52 The Game of Love

I was talking with my sister the other day about the game of love... tennis that is. She was telling me that one day after tennis clinic, she and her partner [let's call her Serena] talked about their games. Serena reviewed her own game telling my sister how she loved her new serve, that her forehand was really strong in the second set, and how her footwork was helping her game a lot. After playing in a clinic or a match, my sister would review and lament her mistakes instead of looking at all the good and right things she did. When she told this to Serena, Serena said that when she makes an error, she knows exactly what she's done wrong, tries to work on it right away, and doesn't dwell on it. Rather, she tries to remember what she did right so that she can do it again and again. What a concept, huh?

Why is it that we tend to hone in on all the bad and wrong things we say, do, and experience instead of the positive? To illustrate, I have somewhat thick, straight hair. No matter the weather, it is always straight. I know people who would kill for my hair, and yet, I hate my hair because when I curl it, 2 hours later it's uncurled. An acquaintance has the most beautiful cheek bones and facial structure, yet all she can see are her big ears, and I have a friend who is very smart, yet never feels that she sounds intelligent when she speaks. It's sad that we don't recognize the positives in ourselves as easily as we see them in others. After my sister told me her tennis story, I have really been making an effort to see me and what I do, and say, and experience in a more positive way.

Talking about the game of love, seeing the positive rather than the negative in our love relationships is also really important. After being with someone for an extended period of time, we start to expect the same responses. It's like when I hit a short cross court forehand to my husband, I know he is going to hit a low deep return to my back hand. I set myself up for this -- losing the point. I know what I did wrong and should not to repeat it. BINGO!! LIGHT BULB!!

I am that someone in the game of love. I am that someone I've been involved with for an extended period of time. I am that someone who expects the same responses over and over. With all my successes, I continue to do things that set me up to fail. In dealing with my bane [food], I do this too. If I know that eating pretzels will most likely trigger a desire for something sweet, then I need to hit a backhand slice down the line instead of the cross court shot to the forehand, i.e. stay away from the pretzels. Instead of dwelling on falling off the wagon and/or bemoaning my own "bad game", I need to allow myself to see all my positives, review them and do them over and over.
We all need to be more like Serena -- see the negative, deal with it, but don't dwell on it. Then, we need to take all the positives like how long we've maintained our goal weight, or how many miles more we can now walk, run or bike or how I am finally able to hit a deep forehand down the center of the court instead of where my husband can kill the return. How about allowing ourselves to see and enjoy the positive - review what we have done that has worked - and do it again and again.

You know the saying, "It's not if you win or lose, but how you play the game"? Honestly, I don't care if I win or lose in tennis, but in the game of self-improvement, I for one, want to be a winner. Here's my strategy: to win the game use positive reinforcement; to win the set, adopt new habits when old ones don't "serve" you, and to win the match, practice unconditional self-love -- again and again.

...And if all else fails, buy a new tennis racket.