#84 The Ten Day Master Cleanse That Lasted Only Five

On Monday January 18th, I started The Master Cleanse. Why? Well, because in the 2 weeks since New Years, I have eaten food that I haven't touched in years. My poor arteries were probably wondering why I was punishing them. My skin, too, was asking the same question. My blue jeans, that I discarded for black sweat pants, were missing my flabby white ass, and my belly and ankles were swollen and bloated. Don't think I'm being hard on myself. I didn't just eat "bad" food, I ate in quantity... with relish, loads of guilt, and a smidgen of concern for my health or weight!! So, we come back to WHY.... I wish I knew. Really!

I've been down this road before. I know sooner or later somethings gotta give. I look for signs.... hopefully sooner rather than later.

Ta Da! I was perusing my facebook one night when I noticed a yoga buddy's status: "I am now eating solids". Thinking that she was sick or maybe had surgery, I wrote her a note. She responded that she was fine, but had just completed a 10 day cleanse; The Master Cleanse. She went on to explain what the cleanse was, how it is done, and how she felt during and afterwards. I knew that this was what I needed, a good detox [and a kick in the pants]. Better yet, talk about getting a sign... I'm in Whole Foods to buy the ingredients. I can't get service on my iphone to read the email where the ingredients are listed, so I go sit on some boxes by the front door to wait for my phone to find service. While sitting there, I look to my left and realize that I'm sitting on the display for the Master Cleanse. All the ingredients I need are right there, plus a booklet explaining how to do the cleanse.

When I told my dear friend Hilary about taking on this cleanse, she told me she would be there everyday to support me, and she was. Each day I received a text that used the word FAST to make other words.

DAY ONE -

F riends
A lways
S often
T roubles

I started the day with the recommended tea (a laxative) and drank my lemonade mix, some mint tea, and water throughout the day. Took Iggy for a long walk. No lack of energy. I finished the day with the recommended tea (laxative) again. Did you know that they make a laxative tea that tastes like chocolate? Headache started around 4:00 pm. Otherwise the day wasn't too awful.

DAY TWO

F inest
A ss
S imply
T errific

Same as day one, not too bad. Took Iggy for a long walk. Headache still present, a 9.8 on a scale of ten. Probably detoxing from sugar, caffeine, nutrasweet, etc. I told you I was toxic. I finally took Tylenol around midnight because the headache was still visiting, and because I was exhausted from my lack of sleep on the first night. This was due in part to my constant trips to the bathroom, and then having a hard time falling back to sleep because of the headache.

DAY THREE

My best guy friend Michael chimed in with a ditty of his own for this day.

F at
A ss
S ays
T ata

Do you think he meant mine or just in general fat ass? Down 5 lbs. Headache gone. Took a 75 minute tennis clinic... kinda sluggish after the first 45 minutes. Realized that I hadn't pooped since Sunday [laxative tea not working??] and dreaded the "sea salt flush" the booklet recommends for moving the sludge through the pipes. Interestingly, my belly didn't feel uncomfortable. Went food shopping for the family because I'm not cooking this week. Truth be told, that was a little difficult. Luckily, my family was so busy during the week that there was never one night where we had a sit down meal. Took Iggy for a walk with friend Marcy, and then went to the mall to keep my mind off food. We both did a little monetary damage. Ah, retail therapy. Drank the salt water flush. Some stomach gurgling, but that's it. Slept like a baby...in between poking Marc to stop his snoring.

DAY FOUR

F ly
A way
S tupid
T acos

Took Iggy for a walk before 12:30 tennis game. Felt fine on the walk. Played contract tennis for 75 minutes... not feeling my usual chippy self. Came home and wham! Salt water flush worked, but about 12 hours after it was supposed to. I'll spare you the details, but I will tell you it wasn't a pleasant experience. Down another 3 pounds. Since my belly and ankles were really [respectively] bloated and swollen before I started the cleanse, I'm sure that 6 lbs were water and the rest were weight. No matter. I felt so much better than I did on Sunday. Ankles back to normal, skin beginning to respond, and no tummy bloat. No headache. Thought about food... a lot. I'm not a big drinker so trying to get in the recommended amount of the lemonade mix was difficult.

DAY FIVE

F limsy
A rms
S tart
T rouble

Took Iggy for a long walk. Felt like a slug, but at the same time the cold weather was invigorating. Down 1 more pound. Decided that a 10 day cleanse is just not gonna happen for me. Made the decision to make day five the last day - for two reasons. First, we had made dinner plans with another couple for Saturday night and I didn't want to cancel. Second, I also didn't want to drink my lemonade mix while sitting in a restaurant. I know these were not the best excuses for ending this torture, but they worked for me. The book says to break the fast with orange juice and fruit. I had my morning Smooth Move Tea [it never did "move" me], drank watered down orange juice and had some berries. I drank the lemonade concoction throughout the day and ate some more berries and a 1/2 of a banana. I went to bed that night looking forward to chewing things with more substance on Saturday.

SATURDAY [now that I'm off the cleanse, Hilary's support is gone and her true colors come out... that's why I love her!]

F laccid
A ppendages
S o
T ragic

Down a half pound more. Mint tea, 1/2 banana, and a handful of blueberries, blackberries and raspberries for breakfast. Although wanting coffee, I wasn't too sure my belly was ready, and it's also not part of the "break-fast protocol". I had some plain chicken late in the morning and plain white rice [Chinese leftover from my non-cooking week] mid afternoon. Drank water and tea most of the day. Decided to "coat" my belly with a small piece of gluten free toast before going out to dinner -- where I asked the chef to steam a piece of fish for me. After dinner, I started feeling human again, although a little guilty for cutting the cleanse short. On the other hand, that's why God gave me teeth.... to chew.

As I write this babble, I'm trying to tell myself that from this day onwards, I need to remember what it feels like to be so bloated and unhappy in both a physical and emotional way. Darn, I should have taken pictures.

And my own little ditty to end this babble....

F ood
A bstinence
S omewhat
T ollerable

Note: I am not explaining how the cleanse should be done, nor advocating it. I'm just sharing my experience. If you want information on the cleanse, you can google numerous sites or go to www.themastercleanse.com

Quote of the Day: "I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process. It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?" Author Unknown