#93 The Magic Pill

During a discussion about habits and addiction, my friend Shelly mentioned that although alcohol is addictive and difficult to stop, people dealing with food issues have it harder because they have to "face the devil at least three times a day". Ain't that the truth! I'm not belittling the difficulty in kicking any habit, but I think she has a point. One doesn't have to have cigarettes, heroin or alcohol in the home... at least I don't think so. Wouldn't it be wonderful if breaking a habit could be as easy, painless and enjoyable as learning one? If there was a magic pill that could help you lose weight and be done with it once and for all, would you take it? Well, I thought I had found the magic pill.

I have shared with my doctor how hard the struggle is for me on a daily basis; that I have food "issues" and they sometimes get in the way of living. I told him about this blog and sharing in a public forum. He said that he's heard this woeful tail many, many times over the years in private from friends, in his office from patients, and in public from strangers.

Here's a good example of "issues" getting in the way. An acquaintance of mine, "Esmarelda", thought it would be fun to join a book club. She asked around, curious to see if all book clubs are the same. What Ezzie found out was that they may differ in how they are run, but food and/or alcohol are a big part of the gathering. She decided it would be safer and saner not to join one because she would either be desiring the food, or she would be eating the food and wishing she wasn't. I knew exactly how she felt.

I know. You're thinking it's just some nosh, and you're right. However, when my head is not in the game, when I'm emotionally fragile and a little out of control with my food choices, number of servings, etc., that's when food soothes what ails me [well not really, but I think it will].

Anyway, after years of hearing about my food issues, my doctor thought that maybe I was a little OCD. He compared me to those people who have to wash their hands 20x a day or who have to touch every doorknob until they reach their destination. He thought that maybe I had a little bit of this because on a REALLY BAD day, my thoughts sound pretty repetitious -- don't eat that, why are you eating that?, stop eating that, don't go in that store, you shouldn't have had that, and so on. He said he couldn't believe that I have this babble [my word] running in my head.

Well, I'll tell you right here and now, the pill he gave me to "help" my OCD [and that I had to take for 8 weeks to see if it worked] didn't work. It wasn't the magic pill.

When I returned after the 8 weeks, we talked some more. I told him that food was an emotional crutch, and that I ate beyond "normal" to push down feelings. However, over the years [and we're talking 3 decades-ish], I've learned to use food for lots of reasons, and that at this point in my life, I'm just tired "dealing". And when something tastes really good, like a piece of chocolate devil's food cake, I want more... even after eating 2 pieces... even if I'm full. I know a lot of people who feel this way, and yet, don't give into their desire to have another bite. I know how to teach my kids healthy eating habits, but I don't always listen to my own wisdom. Well, after getting an ear-full, my doctor thought that perhaps what I really needed was something to help me suppress the desire to eat.

He prescribed Phentermine. On the first day of this drug, I thought I had found THE magic pill. It did just what the doctor ordered. I described this new feeling to my friends and husband as one of "turning off the switch". I didn't think about food, period. When I got hungry I ate. Sometimes when I got hungry and didn't eat right then and there, I forgot that I was hungry. In the past, I have tried to use activity to "quench" my hunger, but this was different. Ten days later I was down six pounds, without even trying - I Swear! I had found the magic pill.

NOT

About 2 1/2 weeks later, a despondent me called the doctor because the pill's magic was waning. My switch was no longer turned "off" all the time. When I explained how I felt, my doctor said that he had given me the lowest dose and that he could give me the next level up. YES - I almost screamed over the phone. Alas, about 3 weeks on the new dose, I started to experience the same results as I did with the lower dose. In the end, I had lost 8 pounds, which is 2 more than I wanted to lose, but I was sad. I had experienced what it felt to be normal, and now that I had had normal for the first time since I was 13, I wanted to keep it; Not possible. This drug didn't come in a higher dose, and to take it off label would be very dangerous and stupid.

This is what the doctor recommended - that when I felt that my eating [and eating thoughts] were beyond my control, I should take the Phentermine for 3-5 days so that I could remember what "normal" feels like, and try to ride that wave for as long as I could. Although this is not what I wanted to hear, it was better than nothing. I find myself using my un-wonder drug 2 or 3 times a year. It's not the perfect solution, but it reminds me of how good normal felt.....

Quote of the Day: "When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change." Dr. Wayne W. Dyer